We’re going to be putting college football in general, and usually the SEC in particular, on notice Colbert-style weekly. or barring that, semi-weekly, throughout the season. Without further ado:

Galoshes McGillicuddy Says…

There’s no doubt in my mind that this fun-loving little dude belongs on a sideline somewhere. Just imagine the fun he (and we) would have. Orson mind-melded with Galoshes to rat out Notre Dame’s starting quarterback, and I’m pretty sure he’s behind this nonsense over at the Ramblin’ Racket:

So, it seems Notre Dame’s starting quarterback is none other than Demetrius Jones. This was posted by Notre Dame blog Robot Charlie, with the text:

One of the best things about being on campus.Yes, that’s guaranteed.

Obviously, this is not from a source which I would call perfect or reliable. When Robot Charlie posted this, they were of course asked “why [they’d] post it if Charlie Weis wanted it kept a secret.” (Apparently for credibility.) He then took down the post in order to maintain secrecy, but didn’t count on RSS readers maintaining the post. Does me posting this break some sort of bloggers’ code of ethics? Haha no such thing; if it means I’m a jerk, so be it.It will most likely mean nothing that I posted this, since blogs indeed DO have no credibility, and this will no doubt not affect GT’s preparation. But all the same, I do hope someone with GT football reads this. I repeat:

Notre Dame’s starting quarterback September 1st against Georgia Tech will be Demetrius Jones.

Notre Dame’s starting QB will be Demetrius Jones.

Demetrius Jones will start for Notre Dame on September 1st.

Then, just for fun, he adds:

Notre Dame is the most overrated team in college football, and if it weren’t for Ralph Friedgen and Mark Mangino, Charlie Weis would also be the fattest coach in the NCAA. Go Jackets! Kick some Irish ass!

I’m down with that, but I’m picking Notre Dame to win. Since they invariably let me down last year whenever I picked them, I expect them to do the same again in ‘07.

I also invoked the spirit of Galoshes when I asked (rhetorically) at FanHouse:

But riddle me this, Galoshes McGillicuddy, how is it that the #2 team in the country only manages 17 first half points on an MSU offense which went 3-and-out (punt), 3 plays for 3 yards (INT), 9 plays for a turnover on downs, 4 plays and punt, 2 plays and INT, 4 plays for 16 yards (INT), and 1 play and INT? You read that correctly. The Dogs punted twice and turned the ball over 5 times in the first half for 60 total yards of offense. The Tigers had seven possessions with which to work, most of them starting with excellent field position, and it still took a 4th and 1 effort at the goal line with 4 seconds remaining to make it 17-0 going into halftime.

And that leads us right into…

No Crooming For U

Here’s the official definition of “Crooming.” No, I didn’t seriously think it would happen in Thursday night’s LSU vs. MSU blowout. But if my meticulous scientific calculations are correct, Les Miles or Phil Fulmer are the two coaches in the SEC most likely to get Croomed in 2007. One down, one to go. Phat Phil, you’ve been warned.

Vick, LSU Abuse Bulldogs

That’s just not right. Just not right at all. Yeah, it qualifies as dog abuse per the score, which ended up 45-0. But did LSU really impress? FanHouse’s Pete Holiday says no. From the FanHouse:

Let’s have a look at the Tigers in the first half, drive-by-drive:

1. Started: LSU 36 (punt); Ended: Punt (10 plays, 28 yards)
2. Started: MSU 45 (INT); Ended: Field Goal (6 plays, 35 yards)
3. Started: LSU 39 (downs); Ended: Punt (8 plays, 24 yards)
4. Started: LSU 36 (punt); Ended: Punt (3 plays, 9 yards)
5. Started: MSU 38 (INT); Ended: Touchdown (8 plays, 38 yards)
6. Started: LSU 20 (INT); Ended: Punt (4 plays, 16 yards)
7. Started: MSU 41 (INT); Ended: Touchdown (7 plays, 41 yards)

The thing that jumps out at me? None of the drives that started in LSU territory ended in points. None. They averaged (on those drives) starting at their own 34, never started inside of their own 20, and couldn’t even manage a field goal? Add to that the fact that the MSU possession between LSU possessions #6 and #7 consisted of one play: a Henig interception. Mississippi State’s offense marched out, with decent field position, and Henig promptly threw the ball to a defensive back.

One might argue that the Tigers’ defense was just that good, and it may be, but the truth of the matter is that a team from the local Pop Warner league would’ve intercepted almost as many passes as LSU did last night. Henig was just that bad.

Two thumbs up on that analysis, Pete.

Erik Ainge’s Pinky

It’s not a Mini-Jam, It’s a Monster Mash. What once was just a jam is now a busted pinky on the throwing hand, with a 3-4 week recovery time… supposedly, Fulmer is doing his best to convince everyone in earshot that this is no big deal and that Ainge’s throwing abilities have not really been significantly affected. The Vols play Cal in the pacific time zone this weekend. The line increased from Vols +5.5 to +6.0. And Lamarcus Coker isn’t playing. Could this be a revenge game for Cal?

My gut still says this Pac-10 team is a bunch of pampered wussies out there in the Land of the Human Fruit. UT by a TD. Make sure that fence is really strong, because I hate to think of what will happen when southerners mesh with unwashed, tree climbing hippies.

I’m taking Lulu & Jr. straight up for $500. Stay aloft, M&M. Stay aloft.
Question #2: are there Krispy Kremes in Berkeley?

You-Tuberville

If Kansas State is at least as good at football as their fans are at video editing, Auburn could be in for some real trouble.

The line has improved from -13.5 to -13. Who’s been trash-talkin’ Auburn?

This Just In: Big Red is Confused

Did you know that this is Western Kentucky’s first year in Division I-A? That’s good news for the Gators, because Saturday’s ass-whipping will actually count to improve their strength of schedule. I-AA (sorry, FCS) teams don’t help with this because, well, they suck so bad that the game is discounted.

WKU mascot Big Red is getting used to all the niceties and perks that come with playing bigtime college football. Such as his and hers bathrooms:

Omega Wolf: Western Carolina

Western Carolina, who suffered a 62-0 loss to Florida’s 3rd string and walk-ons last year in the Swamp, makes its living touring the SEC, taking a paycheck for getting the crap kicked out of them. This year they play @ Alabama to start the season.

It’s a necessary function, but one which isn’t pretty, and doesn’t command a great deal of respect. In a sense, the Catamounts elect to play the role of the omega wolf.

At the bottom of the heap is the lowly omega wolf. She, or he gets it from all sides. Sometimes the individual accepts their station in life, and spends its life within the pack. Sometimes too, the omega wolf is driven away, and if lucky, meets another omega. If the new wolf is of the opposite sex, the two might form a new pack in neutral territory. In this photo, the omega female wolf is being reminded once again of her status within the pack. The other wolf is a female of higher rank.

While these displays of dominance/submissive behavior are noisy, actual violence and injury is rare.
For those of us who have experienced life at the bottom, we can feel a sort of kinship with the omega.

Irony: they also play Georgia a couple of weeks later. Who also suffer at the hands of the Gators. Kinship. Sublime.