We here at Orange and Blue Hue understand how scary traveling can be. Leaving home and traveling into the industrialized world is a difficult thing for any primitive tribesman, and the Volunteers are no different. There are many things in Florida that a fan of UT hasn’t had the chance of experience, and sometimes new things can be frightening. So in the spirit of charity, we offer this simple guide to Florida for those hailing from Knoxville. For those Vols who cannot read, helpful pictures are included.

If you look above, you will see the ocean. Think of it as a really big “swimmin’ hole.”
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Colin Cowherd, previously known for plagarazing the M Zone, has struck again. In short: he has attacked The Big Lead. Don’t bother clicking the link, it’s still down. He encouraged his listeners (hard to believe the idiot blowhard even has listeners) to access The Big Lead until it crashed. It has now been over a day, and the site is still down.

I contacted ESPN’s new Ombudsman here, and left her a polite but strongly worded complaint about the situation.
I emailed the FCC at fccinfo@fcc.gov (which probably is not the correct address for complaints, but it is better than nothing). I encourage all of you to do the same. It is not acceptable for ESPN “personalities” to bully the blogospehere.

HT: Deadspin, MZone, EDSBS

“So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way! ”

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Anyone can analyze a football (or basketball — Ed.) game based on statistics or players. Here at the Church of Albert, we take a different approach. This is a three part preview, comparing Mike the Tiger and Albert the Alligator to each other directly using science, the power of fiction, and sorcery. A lesser blog would split each of the three segments into individual articles, but here at the Church of Albert we throw the entire bloated thing at you at once.

Part 1: Science

First I turned to the ultimate determiner of fact: Wikipedia. Alligators appear to have an advantage in size, as an adult male can weigh over a ton and a Bengal tiger is less than half that size. Wikipedia also says that alligators sometimes take down Florida Panthers, and that tigers occasionally take down crocodiles…so Wikipedia is not very helpful.

According to Zoobooks, a respected source of scientific data, Nile Crocodiles often feed on Lions. I once read that male lions are more than capable of handling tigers in a fight (due to their mane protecting the neck and more experience fighting one on one). This tenuous A=B=C Zoobook based logic gives an alligator the edge over a tiger.

As you can see, my exhaustive research is inconclusive. So I have turned to an expert to analyze this problem.

Dr. Reed is the curator of mammals at the Florida Museum of Natural History and he got his PHD from LSU. He is both an actual scientific figure and involved on both sides of the game. Thus he is the perfect person to analyze this conundrum. His words, mostly unedited, follow.

“Similarities:

Both the American Alligator and Bengal Tiger have been listed as endangered species (we’ve all had bad football years), but the alligator is no longer listed as endangered and is seeing a return to prominence.

Both are top-level carnivores, they are at the very, very top of their food chain. That means that rarely is an adult tiger or alligator going to be taken down by some other animal.

Both have amazing defenses:

Tigers have incredibly strong jaws and sharp claws.

Alligators have strong jaws and sharp teeth, but they also have a wicked tail (a defensive secondary) that can knock you off your feet.

On offense:

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The “Holy God Yes YES YES!!!!11one” Award

To all Gators everywhere. National champions. Joy.

Also, put Chris Leak in the Ring of Honor, he has earned it.
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In true blog style, I present an article with no real structure!

Lesson one: anything can happen.  Kentucky beat Clemson, the Big East went undefeated in Bowl Play, Georgia Tech fielded an actual Quarterback, Randy Moss left Oakland and now wears a number 8 for USC (attitude and skills, but sadly not the hair), Adrian Peterson’s dad jinxed another game,  Bobby Bowden and JoePa both improved their coaching records without actually doing any coaching, and Boise State created a real life, super-awesome Disney movie in Arizona (complete with a Ginger Quarterback).

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On your epic 44-27 victory in the glorious Emerald Bowl. What a season! So much to be proud of. Congratulations again, that was truly a victory for the ages. This is a win that will forever go down in FSU lore.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Schadenfreude never felt so good. HAHAHA. Seriously, I may die laughing.

The “ZOMGOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT” Award

This goes to the entire team. SEC Champions, BCS Championship Game, general badassosity (it’s a word–maybe). Wow, just no words (except for all the ones filling this article). I am so very happy.

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To destroy Southern University 83 to 27.

Unfortunately, Brewer has mono… the kissing disease, and Noah and Billy D might also be infected.

When “french kissing practice” was added to the offseason routine, I was skeptical. Now I’m worried it might cost us the season.

“I hope not to kiss him or drink out of his cup,” Al Horford said in a statement following the game.

By the way, in case you didn’t already know, Horf, Green, Noah and Brewer all share an apartment.

The “Demon Who Makes Trophies of Men” Award

Reggie Nelson has once again proven that he is a superpowered alien headhunter who only plays football on the side. Between his monstrous hits which inspired obvious fear in the FSU receiving corps, and his aerobatic circus interception, he showed why he deserves the Thorpe Award. During the game, after one of Reggie’s many amazing plays, I told my friend that “if Nelson doesn’t get a helmet sticker tonight, I’m done with College Football Final.” I don’t think I have to worry about giving up on the show, as I fully expect Lou Holtz’s body to be found skinless and hanging from a rafter somewhere. No one slights number 1. No one! One more year, Reggie!

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