He’s dehydrated. No, he’s sick. No, he’s… retiring! Holy fried Gator tail. No, he’s reconsidering. No, he’s coming back! Wait… no, he’s not coming back, he’s — well, he can’t come back because he never left, but he’s going to leave for awhile. How long? Not sure. Is he coaching the Sugar Bowl? No. Wait, yes, he is, and then he’s leaving, and the offensive coordinator will take over as head coach in the meantime, making him a head coach in waiting to be a head coach again.

Run that by me again?

It’s a fitting penultimate twist to the bottle cap of football weirdness. Yes, Florida still plays Cincinatti in the Sugar Bowl, a team whose head coach is most certainly gone in the final sense. Don’t ask me to give you a name on the Cincy coaching or player roster other than “Pike.”

In the last 24 hours, Lane Kiffin surely felt the highest of highs… only to wake up feeling the lowest of lows. No, the meanest sonofabitch in Cell Block E isn’t getting paroled, and the guards don’t give you soap on a rope in the prison showers. Nut up, Mouth.

I’m sure Mark Richt and Steve Spurrier also felt a fluttering lightness of being, but gravity being the real bitch she is, made the Flight of the Wallflowers a parabola.

In any event, if it’s not one thing this season, it’s another. Tell me that wasn’t the most joyless way to ride a 22-game win streak, hold #1 week in and week out for what seemed like an eternity, and grind out close, ugly win after close, ugly win you’ve ever endured. You can be honest, fellas. That was tense.

Flu, quarterback regression, Facemask-gate, Dunlap snoozing at the wheel, a class of juniors celebrating the NFL two games too early, chest pains, and then Meyer does his best Billy Donovan impression. Really, why do we do this at Florida? This must be rather unique — two coaches in two different high-profile sports, both with two national championship rings, depart and then cram their foot in the closing door just at the last second. Well, it’s a U of F tradition, now.

Of course, the reality is that Meyer is living a real life, not for the pundits or endless hordes of media or fans, and he did the best he could with a very difficult situation. I think Gator Nation is very understanding of the realities of what Meyer endured and this doesn’t even count as a blip on the radar in terms of our relationship with our head coach. The rest of the college football institution will probably be less forgiving, but that’s because this is all a big soap opera that plays out on TV to those folks, rather than happening to real, breathing human beings with complex thoughts, emotions and motivations. We are all imperfect, and Meyer deserves our full support and understanding.

I hope this is the right thing for the Coach and his family. His health and well-being comes first. I know it’s heresy to say it here in the south, but when you start fearing the job will kill you, it’s time for all of us to take a step back, take a deep breath and remind ourselves that this is a game played by college kids. A game.

There may be apathy in Gator Nation regarding both the venue and the opponent, but I for one think it will be fun to play a football game against a good football team with pride and a BCS bowl victory at stake. Hey, this is why we play.

And it’s worth saying: it’s great to be a Florida Gator.

Go Gators!

From Gatorsports.com:

With Thompson out Saturday, the Gators had no down-field passing game to speak of. That was partly due to Tennessee’s zone coverages and partly to conservative play-calling by UF.

Meyer said in retrospect, maybe he should have opened things up a little bit more in the offense. But he said the Vols were making no effort to win the game and there was no reason to take any unnecessary risks.

“I didn’t feel like they were going after the win,” Meyer said. “They wanted to shorten the game. I think that was the plan. There are 10 minutes to go and they’re not in a no-huddle. It’s 23-6 and no urgency (on UT’s part).

“The way we lose a game there is throw an interception. Why put yourself in that position. Let’s find a way to win the game. We’re not trying to impress the pollsters, we’re trying to win the game. A lot of it had to do with the way they were playing. It made our life a little easier.”

This is a very telling quote. Not only do we have a very savvy coaching staff, but Kiffin was coaching for the moral victory from the opening kickoff.

Think about the difference between our fanbases: even in the Zook years, Gator Nation expected to win every game. Can you remember a time you were glad just to avoid the blowout? No? Me neither. You win them all. That is the goal. There is no secondary goal. There are no warm-fuzzies in losing. Unless you’re Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers.

His well-known scrimmage with UNC players provides a convenient seque to my next topic.

The good news: Florida is 3-0 in SEC play.

The bad news: All of those wins came against SEC West teams. In case you haven’t noticed, the conference hasn’t quite matched the football team’s prowess as of late. It’s kind of like the football ACC - right down to having that one school in the league that refuses to follow the playbook and excels in another sport entirely. Except that Kentucky has done better in basketball than Clemson in football.

The ugly news: Florida is 24th, which, historically, makes this squad vulnerable to a letdown heading towards South Carolina.

It’s too soon to make a definite prediction about the team as a whole. Has this team grown from its experience from The Tournament That Shall Not Be Named? Or does history really repeat itself, like it did with hoops championships and could happen with a second straight football title?

Nick Calathes, by the powers of sarcasm vested in me, I hereby decree your 14 turnovers in 3 SEC games and your 9-14 record from the stripe during the same reasons for major concern. Otherwise, you have rebounded from these troubles, assisted your teammates with stellar play, and have scored points (both brownie and basketball) in batches and bunches.

Walter Hodge and Dan Werner might be upperclassmen, but with the team’s history thus far, you are now the emotional leader. It is not a responsibility to be taken lightly.

Kenny Kadji, you are on your way to picking up where Marreese Speights left off. Keep working on those gassers, as the team really needs an inside force. At 6-8, Alex Tyus can only go so far.

Florida freshmen, watch out for the wall. A plateau means that you’re close to personal growth.

And to the entire team, thanks for a good second half with the Hawgs. Play inconsistent against Pitt or Wake Forest, and really bad things happen.

As we reflect upon our upcoming game against the hated Seminoles of Florida State, let former Gator great Emmitt Smith guide you on a journey into pro football… one which I am sure you will enjoy. Watch until the very end.

1. Oklahoma
2. Alabama
3. LSU
4. Missouri
5. Texas
6. Penn State
7. Texas Tech
8. BYU
9. USC
10. South Florida
11. Georgia
*12. Florida

Big 12 teams in top-10: 4

SEC teams in top-10: 2

Highest ranked Big Ten team: Penn State

Highest ranked Sunshine State team: South Florida

O&B Hue comments: None

The team had a high-powered offense.

The sophomore at quarterback was a legit Heisman contender.

The coach was a success, if not somewhat controversial.

Caldwell was one of the top receivers on the team.

Sound familiar? It should. Only this time, these words do not describe the Florida Gators of 2007.

Instead, they describe the Florida Gators of six seasons prior, in 2001. The signal-caller was Rex Grossman, a kid from Indiana who picked UF over IU, the school of his forefathers. It was Steve Spurrier’s last season behind our sidelines; the visor on his head had Gator insignia. And Reche Caldwell was a top option on the receiving corps - kid brother Andre would sign in ‘03.

How powerful was this edition of the Fun-n-Gun? It scored 538 points in one season, a school record that stood until last year’s team notched 552. Grossman, a pocket passer, threw for 3,896 yards, which remains the school record. His 3,904 yards in combined yardage was a school record that stood until Tebow had 4,181 last year. He had 34 passing touchdowns, third in school history behind Danny Wuerffel’s 1995 and 1996 seasons. And his 39 passing and rushing touchdowns that year trail only Tebow’s and Wuerffel’s Heisman-winning seasons in 1996 and 2007.

But, as with USC, they were plagued by teams that scored enough points on them to make life uncomfortable. Only this time, the magic number was 20.

In a scene eerily reminiscent of last season, the Tigers were tied with the Gators, with the ball in their hands on the last touchdown drive. Then, as Wes Byrum would do six years later, Damon Duval kicked the game-winning field goal.

Incidentially, Byrum split the uprights from 43 yards, just 1 yard shy of Duval’s mark.

Then, in a game that was postponed due to the 9/11 attacks, Tennessee won a wild shootout 34-32 after Grossman failed to convert a two-pointer on the final play of the game. The win snapped the Vols’ seven-game losing streak at the Swamp, gave Tennessee the SEC East title, and effectively killed Grossman’s Heisman campaign.

That he lost by 62 points to Nebraska’s Eric Crouch in the Heisman race underscores just how close he came to a stiff-arm, and possibly more.

By the time it was all said and done, another Sunshine State team stole the show. Miami won their fifth national title with the most dominant team in school history.

While the Gridiron Gators are faster, their basketball counterparts are stronger.

One of the worst-kept secrets in Gainesville this offseason has centered on the formerly top-ranked freshman class. Nick Calathes weighed in at almost 200 pounds before going to Greece, and wants to gain at least five more. Jai Lucas gained 12 pounds to go to 160, even more pronounced given the 8% increase in mass. Alex Tyus and Adam Allen have also reported growth. Alas, no one has gained more than Chandler Parsons, who could enter his sophomore season 20 pounds heavier and 1 inch taller at a Lamar Odom-esque 6-10 and 225. Not to mention, he’s got all of the tools for a very good sophomore season.

And that gives Billy Donovan a delightful problem.

You see, incoming freshman Eloy Vargas is currently recorded at 6-10 and 210. He’s also one of the top power forwards from the high school class of 2008. And he’s been viewed by most of the Gator faithful as one-half of the solution to Florida’s paint problem.

So if the coach goes with a backcourt of Jai Lucas, Walter Hodge, and Nick Calathes, who starts at 4 and 5? Kenny Kadjii, whose frame resembles Speights’s, is almost a no brainer, which leaves Vargas and Parsons potentially battling over a start. But if he gives Nick Calathes the keys to the point guard spot full time, and starts Walter Hodge at shooting guard, how does he handle the frontcourt? A trio of Parsons, Vargas, and Kadjii would be long, but still potentially vulnerable to thick bruisers. Alex Tyus is a power forward in a small forward’s body. Oh yeah, don’t forget about Dan Werner.

The coach will likely have the answer figured out as best as he can by the time the season starts, but there is one factor in Parson’s favor.

In his limited minutes last season, Parsons handled the ball very, very well. If he grows into a power forward’s body but retains his small forward skills, he could create a mismatch for opposing defenses, taking the ball inside, shooting from three-point land, or passing the ball to an open man outside. And that could be good news to a Gator team seeking a star to complement Calathes.

Looking back three years, Florida entered the 2006 season losing its best low-post player, David Lee, to the NBA draft. When it was all said and done, the hoops Gators hoisted their first championship banner.

Might this be a sign?

Teams can score, score, score, but how much do they get done with each bucket? Conversely, how good are their defenses per possession?
And is there a way we can gauge how strong teams are?

Consider: Right after Florida won its second straight title, Grant Hill was asked about how the Duke teams of the early 90’s would have fared against the Gators. To which he said something to the effect of:

“We’d beat them by at least 15 to 20 points.”

But how can we measure that? There is a crude, but effective way.

Unlike the Win Score Metric, which considers only individuals and can vary based on possessions, the efficiency rating is more static and can be applied to nearly any team. It is calculated by

Efficiency = Points per 100 Possessions - Opponents’ Points per 100 possessions

Since it can measure the relative offensive and defensive strength of a team, it serves as a useful, albeit partial, measure of how “good” or “bad” teams are.

For example, this year’s Florida team scored 132.4 points per 100 tries (including free throws), but allowed 119.4 points per 100 possessions on defense. Thus, their efficiency is

132.4 - 119.4 = 13.0

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Remember to state your answer in the form of a question.